The Wall

4am - the beep beep beep beacons me to get out of bed, but I do not move. 15 miles is my plan, but my head is not in it. 15 miles is on the schedule, but my heart is not in it so I steel a few more hours promising to do it when the sun comes up.

8am - 4 more hours have passed and neither my head nor my heart are any closer to being in it, but I know I must. "It is only 15 miles" I tell myself, "You can do this" I try to convince myself. I lace up my shoes, strap on my heart monitor and grab the iPod, certain some tunes will help drown out the thoughts of negativity, but it is dead.

Shit! How can I run without my music? I'm struggling now and I haven't even left...will I be able to make it? I decide to go - I'm tough. I'm hard core. I don't need sissy music to motivate me - I am a runner!

Mile one passes and I want to turn back. Thoughts keep swirling thru my head, the sound of my breathing is not a wanted distraction...it just makes me tired. Each step I take I hear it closing the distance between us and yet there is nothing I can do to out run it.

I keep moving forward and pray I find my groove soon, miles 2 and 3 tick by and I think 'only 12 more to go' but that is no comfort. My heart is beating fast and I cannot catch my breath, sweat is building on my brow. I hear it call my name but I cannot stop for fear it will catch me.

"Keep going" I command of my feet "Just keep moving and it will be over soon."

The sun is shining brightly - a beautiful day for a run. A cool breeze rustling the leaves above my head, a playful squirrel bouncing between the trees and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, but none of this can out do the dark and clammy feeling it brings. Miles 4 and 5 and 6 are a stretch and finally I come face to face with it - the demon that chases me...

The Wall.

I find myself facing that moment where I quite and give in, go home, give up or I struggle to finish because I want to. Drive - Desire - Dedication to complete what I started are on the other side of it and right now I don't know how to get past it. Tears sting my eyes because I feel I'm defeated but not yet ready to accept this as the final outcome - so I walk.

I walk and walk. I watch the seconds tick by and the minutes add up until I can again move my feet faster. I've done this before - why not today? I wrestle with this thought internally. I fight the desire to quit with my will to finish.

I think.
And Think.
And Think some more.

I realize that as runners, we all face this sometime. Despite what I've done in the past - today is different. I can come up with all kinds of reasons why - I'm tired, my foot hurts, my head hurts, I'm not well hydrated, I'm PMSing - but they are just excuses and there are too many too count. No one is there to stop me from quiting, no one but the wall in my head and I decide that I will not let it dictate my finish.

My run time that day might not have been anything to brag about, infact its more like something to bury deep in the recesses of my training log, but I finished. I know it's not the last day I will face the wall, but that day I managed to out run it and am stronger for it.