Learning to love...

...the run.

I haven't been here in quite sometime, but I'm dusting off the cover, turning the page and starting again.  Seven years ago I made the decision to run my very first (and only) full marathon.  26.2 miles seemed like such a daunting task that I penned my first entry here in hopes of marking my journey, of learning what did and didn't work for me and most of all, holding myself accountable. 

December 6, 2008 I completed the first running goal. 26.2 miles of excitement, fear, pain, mental struggle, elation and sadness marked that journey over the course of 6 hours.  I won't recount that story, but suffice it to say running and I have had a difficult love affair with running since that day.

I have run many races over the course of the last 7 years.

• Mud Runs
• Wine Races
• 1/2 Marathons
• 10Ks
• 5Ks
• Triathalon

But I have never run another 26.2 and I can honestly say that I do not have a desire to.  Part of me feels like a fraud...like an imposter because of it.  Regardless of how many miles I run, how many medals I hang on my wall, how many race bib's I tuck away, there will always be the elusive marathon that changed the way I view running, training and racing.

For all the work and effort I put into it and for all that I failed to attain in my misguided perception of beginning, I must admit that a passion for running and racing was planted and has continued to grow.  I have spent the bulk of my time - not focused on the act of running for sport, but rather for the race day excitement.  There is nothing wrong with this, however it is time I face my fear and stop running (pun intended). 

No, I do not mean I am hanging up my sneakers.  Instead I am committing to focus on the run and getting back to basics.  2016 is about accepting me for who I am and determining to be better tomorrow than I am today.  For me this means clearing the running slate and improving from January to December. 

Commitment
Focus
Determination

The only way to achieve progress is one step at a time...

Finding my way back

According to blogger I haven't posted here since 2010 and I can say that it does feel that way.  I haven't been inactive, however I have been silent as I've been searching for me.  I am not quite sure I can say I've "Found" myself, however I am finding that through whatever struggles I have I enjoy the physical exertion that comes with getting out and moving.  There is something mind clearing in the silence of running or walking - in the effort and the dedication it takes to commit to the activity of your choice. 

For me, I used to enjoy running...these days running is effort.  I enjoy being outside and I hope that one day I get back to the point where I enjoy running, but for now, I take it one day at a time and let myself absorb all the little things about the activity that I tend to overlook when I'm focused on the outcome.

• Sights
• Smells
• Sounds

When I was training I was focused on the end goal, be it a certain time or a set distance, there came a point where I had to push myself to reach whatever I was aiming for.  I'm not saying this is a bad thing, because I think if we ever want to get better then these are a necessary part of what we go through.  What I'm saying is that in this process I found that I was pushing much more that I was enjoying the simplicity of what I was doing.  Simplicity in the colors of the sun setting in the horizon, the birds chirping on a rail in the cool morning air, the sound of each step as it carries you down the pavement, the smell of the air after the rain ... the things no gym can ever provide. 

So as I start back down this path, I leave you with this...

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham

Got Stress?

Apparently I do...at least according to my hubs. I haven't been around this blog for some time now, but perhaps it is time to revisit the reasons behind why I actually started it in the first place.

I will admit that when the hubs asked me "have you thought about running again?" I was a little unhappy with the question. My first thought immediately went to "Why, do you think I'm fat?" but even before the words left my mouth, I already had my answer. No - he was not trying to subtly tell me that he thought I needed to get out and lose some weight, but infact he was pointing out a fact that I had debated previously. Running seemed to ease some type of stress for me.

It helped keep me centered, it helped me find patience when dealing with lifes up's and downs, it helped me ... find me when I was searching for something so desperately to hold on to. I found a race and I ran it and then I felt defeat because it was never really about the race. It was about finding something more and at the end of the race ... there was only a finish line.

I walked away and while I've found meaning in my life that has taken much of my time, along with this has come much stress. I admit the running I did was a high somedays and others I struggled thru my demons. Perhaps, I should take a step back into this world I gave up on so easily and find my stride once again.

drum roll.....

Tomorrow is the big day! It is finally here and it's set to be a perfect day to run.

It's been a good week and I am excited...picked up my race packet, visited the expo (a bit disappointed) and will be getting everything ready for an early start tomorrow.

It should be a little chilly at the start(expected 38 degrees) but warming up by the finish - high about 50.

So if your in the Memphis Area and see a blonde girl dressed in pink (amongst the crowd of 14,000) wave and I'll wave back!

The Wall

4am - the beep beep beep beacons me to get out of bed, but I do not move. 15 miles is my plan, but my head is not in it. 15 miles is on the schedule, but my heart is not in it so I steel a few more hours promising to do it when the sun comes up.

8am - 4 more hours have passed and neither my head nor my heart are any closer to being in it, but I know I must. "It is only 15 miles" I tell myself, "You can do this" I try to convince myself. I lace up my shoes, strap on my heart monitor and grab the iPod, certain some tunes will help drown out the thoughts of negativity, but it is dead.

Shit! How can I run without my music? I'm struggling now and I haven't even left...will I be able to make it? I decide to go - I'm tough. I'm hard core. I don't need sissy music to motivate me - I am a runner!

Mile one passes and I want to turn back. Thoughts keep swirling thru my head, the sound of my breathing is not a wanted distraction...it just makes me tired. Each step I take I hear it closing the distance between us and yet there is nothing I can do to out run it.

I keep moving forward and pray I find my groove soon, miles 2 and 3 tick by and I think 'only 12 more to go' but that is no comfort. My heart is beating fast and I cannot catch my breath, sweat is building on my brow. I hear it call my name but I cannot stop for fear it will catch me.

"Keep going" I command of my feet "Just keep moving and it will be over soon."

The sun is shining brightly - a beautiful day for a run. A cool breeze rustling the leaves above my head, a playful squirrel bouncing between the trees and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement, but none of this can out do the dark and clammy feeling it brings. Miles 4 and 5 and 6 are a stretch and finally I come face to face with it - the demon that chases me...

The Wall.

I find myself facing that moment where I quite and give in, go home, give up or I struggle to finish because I want to. Drive - Desire - Dedication to complete what I started are on the other side of it and right now I don't know how to get past it. Tears sting my eyes because I feel I'm defeated but not yet ready to accept this as the final outcome - so I walk.

I walk and walk. I watch the seconds tick by and the minutes add up until I can again move my feet faster. I've done this before - why not today? I wrestle with this thought internally. I fight the desire to quit with my will to finish.

I think.
And Think.
And Think some more.

I realize that as runners, we all face this sometime. Despite what I've done in the past - today is different. I can come up with all kinds of reasons why - I'm tired, my foot hurts, my head hurts, I'm not well hydrated, I'm PMSing - but they are just excuses and there are too many too count. No one is there to stop me from quiting, no one but the wall in my head and I decide that I will not let it dictate my finish.

My run time that day might not have been anything to brag about, infact its more like something to bury deep in the recesses of my training log, but I finished. I know it's not the last day I will face the wall, but that day I managed to out run it and am stronger for it.

Just Running

It's been a while since I posted here. I haven't stopped training, but do you ever have one of those moments during your training when it all becomes so routine that it starts to seem a bit too mundane to post about?

For me, at least, that is how I feel. I can read other runners blogs and laugh at their witty insights or their profound knowledge into what makes a runner tick, but when I run I just kind of exist. There are rarely funny moments for me to share, it's not very often that I have some type of mental break thru where the world (or my world at least) makes sense and so I feel like when I come here it's always the same old story.

I came.

I saw.

I ran.

I am still in training.

Running is an escape for me. Not in a bad way, but it is a few minutes (or hours) to just be who ever I aspire to be. No one asking me for anything or limiting my ability to achieve anything because of bureaucratic red tape...nothing standing in my way except for myself.

In an essence - it is a moment of pure joy and fear all rolled up into one. Possibilities are endless, limits are met only when the body says it's "had enough" and dreams never fail to be big. During a run I can do almost anything - and I feel great. Give it a chance and that string of hope I hold on to will turn into the rope that I use to hang myself when the day arrives to face the marathon head on and I fail to obtain what I set out to achieve. It's that paralyzing fear that sets in when my runners high wears off.

So what do I do? Do I come here and repeat day in and day out...I run therefore I am? Do I tell you my fears and hope that secretly I am not alone in this or do I do nothing? Perhaps I will do all three - most likely this will be my outcome, but for now...I'm going to just run.

What will you do?

Can't Keep Me Down

***Cross posted at CafeKel***

I've been training for the St. Jude Marathon and this past weekend I had a realization...I found a small crack in my plan for 'marathon domination' hehe

It's disheartening to wake up one day and realize my plan is flawed.

This past weekend I was supposed to run a 20mi long run - I get up and meet my running partner at o' dark thirty and away we go. It was a nice run, cool and not too humid, conversation flowed easily and the pace was comfortable. Nothing too out of the ordinary. 12 miles later(yes I shortened the run some), I get back to my car and realize me feet hurt, one more than the other. I don't think much about it - my feet are usually tired after a run. By the time I get home though (after a stop at the store for groceries) my left foot is really hurting, so I ask the hub about it.

Who better to ask than the man who is supposed to care so much about me (and the fact that he trained hard and has a degree in kinesiology doesn't hurt either) this man proceeds to tell me, something is hurt. GREAT - not what I wanted to hear, but I'm sure it's minor, nothing to worry about, we ice it and go on about the day. Monday comes and I head to practice, I run an easy 6 miles, my foot hurts still, but I manage thru the pain. Once again, I complain to the hub and as we ice it, he convinces me to visit the dr.

This is one of the joys of having a dr. at my disposal because all I have to do is call, make an appointment and I'm in. For minor issues, dr. appointments are a breeze - if its anything major...trust me, the government is going to run you thru the loops before they treat you outside their facility.

For me, I call, make an appointment, show up 24 hrs later, get x-rays and wait for the dr. to look at them. In all of 30 min the dr tells me that 'while he cannot see any problems NOW, that does not mean there are not stress problems waiting and I should stay off it for 3 weeks.'

HAHAHA

Are you serious? It's just a foot and if my x-ray says I'm good, then obviously I must be good, I think the dr. is crazy and decide I am going to play it by ear.

All this is fine except for that brief moment, while I was sitting there waiting for him to come tell me about the x-ray, I thought there might be something wrong that would get in the way of achieving this goal and I was sad. Just for a brief moment I saw what I wanted go up in smoke and it was hard to think I wouldn't see it come to fruition. I, however, was lucky enough that there was nothing major wrong, but not everyone is.

Life is just as random as an injury...one moment we are cruising along with our eye on the prize when something jumps out and derails us. It is easy for me to become so narrow sighted that I don't see anything else around...perhaps this was my wake up call to say "Hey - I'm still here, remember me? LIFE? Go for the goal, but don't forget, it can all change in the blink of an eye." For a brief moment, I was superhuman and nothing could stop me then just as quickly, I was a mere human who had limits.

I can't say I'm ready to be human yet...I still kind of like the sound of SuperKel...does anyone have that taken yet?

What battles do you fight when aspiring to be superhuman?